I have seen the comments you have posted, and although I had originally intended you to continue guessing forever, but have changed my mind. Here is the truth, plain and simple. No lies. If you don't believe me, I don't blame you. I haven't exactly been trustworthy in the past couple of weeks, have I?
My name is Carolina Elise Blaine. Catalina Elizabeth Blanchard was born from that. I am eleven years old. 11. Ten plus one. Eleven. Nutsy has been a longstanding nickname given to me from my siblings. Bookworm - Booknut - Booknutsy - Nutsy. It was a long evolution.
Harry Black is a figment of my imagination, the person I've always wished to have. Someone constant who loved me without it getting awkward who I could be awkward with. I've always been a lonely person, but creating Harry online made him seem real. Harry is "real" on other websites as well. Those have been deleted.
Well, I found a life for myself online. I told no one in my family or anyone else. It was my own little haven. I found you guys.
After about 11 months of doing this, however, I broke down. It was like I was living two different lives. Although Cat and I share many qualities, being two different people at once felt like a lie. I got angry at my parents and very defensive. Harry became kind of an obsession, the imaginary friend. The Raggedy Doctor for all my problems.
I got down on my knees and prayed, the first real prayer that I had said in far too long. I was forgiven and made pure by God, who somehow took me back as his child even though I had fallen so far and so fast.
Yet I still couldn't bring up the courage to tell you properly. So I faked my own death on Harry's account and thought I would just forget it all.
Somehow I found myself as if on automatic back on the Goodreads page and I saw Lex's status update. That's when I decided to write this, because although I'm not proud of it and probably am currently opening myself to Camille and many others' ridicule, I needed to tell the truth.
I still have not found the courage to tell my parents about this. They knew that I spent far too much time in my room and if they opened the door suddenly I would be talking to the air pretending it was Harry, but they didn't know about this blog or any of the other accounts.
Until I become of age and have told my parents about this and can come back as myself, I will not be returning to Goodreads. This blog will not be posted on any longer but will remain up as a reminder to myself that I need to reveal the truth.
Sincerely,
Carolina Elise Blaine
Carolina,
ReplyDeleteYou won't know me. My name is Leah (Leyah on Goodreads). I'm a friend of many of your GR friends and I did - oh, how do I say this? Know you? See you? Something like that. I became part of this whole thing, for a reason known only to myself. I mourned you, when Harry said you were gone. I was part-relieved, part-confused when you came back and left again soon after. Now my relief is absolute.
Thank you for clearing this up. You had people on there who knew you, loved you, as a friend, a companion. Now they will sleep in peace again, as will I.\
We will miss you, but in the hope that you’ll come back again. I hope that when the day comes, I’ll be there, and I’ll get to know you better, not just as a name on the screen, but a personality behind that screen. Because that’s what we all are.
So please, please – some day, come back. We’ll be waiting.
What I really think you need right now, though, is a hug (many, many hugs), some BBC or a book, a hot drink to drown your thoughts in, and the good willing thoughts of all who knew you. Because I can imagine what you’ve been going through in the past month or so, and it doesn’t seem pleasant. Just remember that we do not despise you for this. And what you did today was the best and bravest thing to do. So, Cat, Carolina – you can consider yourself forgiven.
My best wishes go with you, forever and always,
Leah.
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ReplyDeleteHey there, darling girl. Cat. Carolina. βιβλιοφάγος.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that my name'll come up on this, but I'm Hadley from Goodreads. And I want you to know that I think that you are a very brave person, to post this.
When I learned that Cat had died, I cried for about two hours straight. I felt awful for not getting to know you better, and I vowed never to let another friend fade away without them knowing that I love them.
You reappearance--and then disappearance-- sent me into a frenzied mode to try and figure out everything that I could about you. I searched your groups, wanting to know if there was a reason for your leaving us. I couldn't find much, and what I did find was misleading.
I want you to know that I am not in the least bit angry or upset with you. I know the feeling of needing someone to talk to, and it gets so lonely that an imaginary friend is the closest thing to a real one. You are forgiven, and no grudges will be held against you on my part. Take time off of social sites-- it really does help. :)
You're a great person, Carolina. I want you to know that, and never forget it. You are a true Daughter of God.
Good luck!
-Hadley
(Hey! Now I know your real name, and you know my full one. :) We're pretty even.)
Dear Carolina-
ReplyDeleteI assume my name will come up down here, but it's Laney- or Calamity, I guess- from Goodreads. I just want to tell you that you were not in the wrong. I totally understand all that you were going through. Goodreads really is a safe haven for a lot of us, and it makes perfect sense what you were doing.
Your "death" was all very Sherlock, eh? It had all of us worried, I will tell you that. You are nothing but loved on that website, and you've touched all our hearts. I do hope that you return soon, and that you will contact me the second you do. Promise me that, because I'll be waiting for you.
None of us are angry with you, I assure you.
I hope everything brightens up with your life, and I will be missing you dearly. I am, however, incredibly glad that you are not, in fact, dead. It is a relief. I still feel as if I got to know you, even though it was under a fake name. I went as Calamity for several years. Your mistake was not a big one in the least.
-Laney <3
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ReplyDeleteCarolina,
ReplyDeleteplease read the link below - it's a status where I discuss you and I. If there's anything that you think is unfair or wrong, let me know so we can talk it out.
http://www.goodreads.com/user_status/show/31777657
For Carolina Elise Blaine,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to buy a plane ticket to Arizona and give someone a tackle hug right now:)
I nearly cried when I read this.
Cat, you are one of the bravest people I have ever known and ever will. Everyone makes mistakes, and believe me I have made bigger. But to come back and tell the truth? To fix it all up? THAT takes bravery. A good deal of it.
I don't know if you'll ever come back to this blog; if you'll ever read this post, Cat, but if you do, and even if you don't, I want you to know I don't care if Cat isn't your real name, or Harry isn't real; I'm just absolutely and utterly amazed and thankful that you are alive, and real :) And even more glad that God has given you the strength to fix mix-up. I couldn't hold this against you if I tried, and if God has forgiven you, which I do not doubt for a moment that He has, (because He is amazing), who are any of us to condemn?
I prayed that you would come back to us. That this whole thing would be sorted out. It looks like God answered my prayers:)
I don't know what to say! This post is turning out a lot more rambly than I first planned:D
Just, thank you so, so much for telling us this. I can only imagine how hard it was to confess everything, and I believe you have extroardinary strength to do so. You're inspiring, Cat. I only wish I had your bravery :)
And now your last paragraph.
I don't know if I can miss you more than I did in those days when I thought you dead, but I know that I will miss you terribly on Goodreads. Still, I think it's for the best.
I just want you to know that I will be waiting for the day when Cat can come back as Carolina Elise Blaine. My profile will always be here: http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/13777912-johanna-hobbit-and-proud, and if that day never comes, then I look forward to the day I know I will meet you in Heaven, where there is no death or mourning.
Until then, I will be praying for you.
I believe that God has an awesome plan for Carolina Elise Blaine, once Catalina, and that no little mistake will get in the way :)
Sincerely,
Johanna, a.k.a. hobbitandproud
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (NIV)
Jeremiah 29:11
'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
P.S. Do Not Under-Estimate The Power Of Friendship; And Even More Importantly The Power Of God :)
Hey Cat. :) This is Lex, from Goodreads. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I just want to tell you I'm not angry - I was, but I'm not anymore - and I refuse to say good-bye. I know that even if Catalina was a fake personality too, a lot of you shone through her, and I know you're an amazing person. You're better than you give yourself credit for.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to miss you while you're away. A lot. But if you ever come back to GR, I'll be there, and I'll have a big hug waiting for you. And if you don't....hey, then I'll still see you again anyway, right? <3
I hope everything comes out okay for you. I hope you find what you're looking for - but you don't have to create people to be loved, 'cause we love you too, all right? And I hope that until I see you again, life gives you one awesome day after another. Thanks for writing this, Cat. Carolina. Whatever your name is. I guess you'll keep being Cat in my head. :) I'm sorry if anything I said hurt you.
Good luck, Cat!! I know you might not ever come back, but I'll pray that you do. And don't you dare come back without telling me. :)